Blog to Lose

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Lets give this a go again. I don't know what it is about this blog but it never feels quite right. So I start then I stop and forget about it for a while and then I try again to give it a go because I need something, help, support? I dunno what. So here I am again. I haven't really exercised much since the Triathlon except the last week. I started swimming 3 days a week and running 3 days a week. I've been lazy I gained like 15 lbs and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. It's not horribly bad, it's manageable I haven't had to start buying larger clothes but I'm close. I'm just having a hard time with myself, with everything in my life. I changed jobs in November and I love my current job but it's a big change. I was at the last one for 7 years. My boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago and I'm having a hard time with it. I have PTSD from an abusive relationship and he broke up with me in such a manner that manipulated my PTSD by threatening to become abusive if *I* didn't end it. Which was rough and pretty much destroyed me, I was going to propose to him at the end of 2016 and this blindsided me. He had a woman on the side which is what brought it about. This all happened in June of last year. Its been almost a year and it's taken me this long to get myself together. Still not fully together though. I'm still a mess and trying to be happy with myself. But I'm not and the stress of all the changes has made my PTSD worse and when that gets worse I close up hide out and I eat and spend money. Both of which I've been doing a lot of. Hence the weight gain. I've been doing better with money the food not so much. I have really good days and did good most of this week up until last night. I had a major PTSD attack and lost my crap on the way home from the gym and then undid all the work I put in. I'm just all around really disappointed with myself. There's just no other way to put it. I realize I'm really hard on myself and I'm trying to work on that. I also realize that I need to learn to love myself. I'm super lonely and would really like to find someone that could be the person for me. I'm the last single person amongst all my friends they're all married or engaged and have kids and are overall happy. And I love them all they're all very including I never feel like a 3rd wheel or anything like that. But it'd be kind of nice to have someone to love me the way I should be. And all of this leads back to my eating more and gaining weight and being over all miserable.

I watch that show My Big Fat Fabulous Life and I get its "reality TV" and there's a lot of staged whatever going on but she seems to genuinely love herself as she is. I'd like to love myself as I am and just exercise and eat right to be healthy not to reach some sort of society driven ideal of beauty. I've been trying this thing where I post a daily selfie on Facebook hoping that seeing myself over and over again day in and out online that it'll spark some sort of minimum amount of self love. That hasn't happened yet even though my friends have been amazing. There's only a few that actually know why I post the picture everyday and they like/love every photo and give me compliments. And then there's others that have no clue why I'm posting that like/love the pictures and that's nice and sparks a moment of maybe I'm okay and then my brain revolts and say they're just doing it because they love me it has nothing to do with an actual level of appreciation for my looks. I have a hard time believing that anybody would actually find me attractive. I need to let that go, I know. But it's hard to love yourself when you've always been treated by significant others like you're not worth loving and you're trash. I need to get past that. So as lonely as I am I've set a hard and fast rule that I can't date for at least a year which is this coming June, but I almost feel like that may need to be extended, you can't expect others to love you until you love yourself right? One of these days I'm going to at least like myself.

So here's my plan, I'm gonna swim and run preferably three times a week for each but I'm also not going to beat myself up if I don't meet that expectation. I'm going to skip out on sweets/soda but again won't beat myself up if/when I mess that up. We all make poor choices sometimes and sometimes we have to treat ourselves because otherwise life gets miserable right? I'm gonna figure this out, I'm gonna figure myself out. And I'm gonna find a way to be happy with myself regardless of whether or not I ever find someone that will be happy with me. I'm going to find a way to love myself and not just tolerate my existence.

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Comment by LindaB on May 13, 2017 at 9:13am

We are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are right, you do need to love yourself.  Love yourself enough to make the changes that need to happen to become a healthier version of yourself.  Swimming and running three days a week is a great start. 

The bright side of the boyfriend ... is that you aren't together and he's probably cheating on someone else now.  You deserve so much better than a man who is a cheater.  You deserve to be treated with the upmost respect and tenderness.  Take this time to work on yourself.  Find you.  Don't focus on being the only single person in your friends circle.  Your time will come --- when you least expect it.


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