No matter the plan... we all Blog to Lose!
Since I started back to BTL a couple of days ago, I haven't really been focused on my eating or my exercise for that matter. What I have been thinking about is why I eat the way I eat.
Yesterday morning, I dropped my kids off and went through two drive thrus. One for my chai latte and another for some biscuits (which I'm not supposed to eat because of the gluten). After I was done stuffing my face, I sat there full and in pain, wondering why? Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to eat things that I know are bad for me?
It's not that I hate myself or that I don't want to be healthy. I think I'm pretty great (although I do have moments of self-doubt, but who doesn't?) and I desperately want to be healthy, but then I go into zombie mode and hit a drive thru or five and sabotage myself.
So, I decided to focus on just yesterday morning's binge. Why did I drop off the kids and go straight to drive thrus? What is the pull for me to do this in the car alone? I think I figured it out.
It's me time. As a working mom of two little kids there are rarely moments when I'm alone or don't have to share something that I have. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I got to go to the bathroom alone. My mornings in the car are my time to myself and the food I get in the drive thrus are my treats that I don't have to share.
It's my time to do something and not have to answer to anyone. I don't feel guilty for leaving my husband and my kids behind like I do when I take time to workout because they're in school or on the way to work. I don't have to listen to my kids scream that they don't like dinner when they're not with me. It's a moment to relax and enjoy something.
But the truth of it is, I can't really relax while I'm doing it. I have to eat it quickly, before I get to work, so that no one will know that I've had gluten or so many of something. I don't want my skinny officemate to know that the latte she sees in my hand when I walk in is my second of the day. I don't want my husband to know how much I'm eating or that I weigh more than him. I'm ashamed of my behavior and that's a problem.
After thinking this through, it's time for me to figure out how to schedule some time for myself to do something good for me, something relaxing for me. No ones going to do that for me, so I've got to be an advocate for myself. Anyone else struggle with this? How have you made yourself a priority? Do you feel guilty leaving your children or your spouse to go workout?