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Time for Me
Since I started back to BTL a couple of days ago, I haven't really been focused on my eating or my exercise for that matter. What I have been thinking about is why I eat the way I eat.
Yesterday morning, I dropped my kids off and went through two drive thrus. One for my chai latte and another for some biscuits (which I'm not supposed to eat because of the gluten). After I was done stuffing my face, I sat there full and in pain, wondering why? Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to eat things that I know are bad for me?
It's not that I hate myself or that I don't want to be healthy. I think I'm pretty great (although I do have moments of self-doubt, but who doesn't?) and I desperately want to be healthy, but then I go into zombie mode and hit a drive thru or five and sabotage myself.
So, I decided to focus on just yesterday morning's binge. Why did I drop off the kids and go straight to drive thrus? What is the pull for me to do this in the car alone? I think I figured it out.
It's me time. As a working mom of two little kids there are rarely moments when I'm alone or don't have to share something that I have. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I got to go to the bathroom alone. My mornings in the car are my time to myself and the food I get in the drive thrus are my treats that I don't have to share.
It's my time to do something and not have to answer to anyone. I don't feel guilty for leaving my husband and my kids behind like I do when I take time to workout because they're in school or on the way to work. I don't have to listen to my kids scream that they don't like dinner when they're not with me. It's a moment to relax and enjoy something.
But the truth of it is, I can't really relax while I'm doing it. I have to eat it quickly, before I get to work, so that no one will know that I've had gluten or so many of something. I don't want my skinny officemate to know that the latte she sees in my hand when I walk in is my second of the day. I don't want my husband to know how much I'm eating or that I weigh more than him. I'm ashamed of my behavior and that's a problem.
After thinking this through, it's time for me to figure out how to schedule some time for myself to do something good for me, something relaxing for me. No ones going to do that for me, so I've got to be an advocate for myself. Anyone else struggle with this? How have you made yourself a priority? Do you feel guilty leaving your children or your spouse to go workout?
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Comment by LindaB on February 15, 2013 at 9:35pm -
Yes, I'm struggling. Its hard to make myself a priority when everything else seems to be sucking me dry. My kids are older; but still very dependent in their own ways.
I had a great 6 weeks and then this week happened...... completely off gilter all week.
Tomorrow is a new day! Praying its a good one.
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Comment by Sue on February 16, 2013 at 7:15am -
Being a single mom I struggled with this daily. My kids are almost 18 and 19 now so I am past that point, but I remember like it was yesterday. I was not able to go to the gym most of the years when I was raising my kids because of the cost, babysitters, etc. I did workouts at home instead. I would often get up before everyone and get my workout in. What worked best for me was looking at my schedule a week ahead of time and finding blocks of time that I could make it work and scheduling it in just like any other appointment. Some days I had to break it up into 10 minutes scattered throughout the day.
It's so hard but also so important to make time for you. You will be a better mother and wife for it. We all need some time for ourselves!!
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Comment by Keem on February 16, 2013 at 8:25am -
Man-I can sooooo relate on the bathroom thing. Mine is going on 10 and still tries to barge in on me--and well-I think that I deserve a little privacy now... :P
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Comment by Jessica on February 16, 2013 at 11:24am -
I have ZERO problems leaving for "me time". Now, before I come off as a hateful hag, I used to have the ' I signed up for this, I better deal with everything." mindset. That made everyone miserable, especially me. Don't be the martyr. I was feeling guilty about Hubby being gone for 48 hours at a time, sometimes more if there was overtime, and I was the 'stay at home mommy'. That being said, I never got a break. He has NO problem with me needing and taking Me Time. The perceived guilt was all on my end. Some days it me saying " I'm going to the basement to take 30 on the bike/elliptical." When it's nice, I hit the bike path.
Pack a snack and enjoy it in the car! Or... find a better drive through option. I know it's difficult to find reasonably healthy gluten free options, so maybe keep the chai tea, but pack your own GF goody? My mom brings a GF doughnut for the after Church fellowship doughnuts. I think Nonni's Biscotti has a GF version if you need something shelf-stable and can keep stashed in the car.
And, um...how to put this politely.... Screw what other people 'think' of what you are doing. Chances are they don't notice anyway. For all it matters, you could have an iced tea in that cup. Whats it to her? Don't waste the brain space on stuff like that! ( it has taken me YEARS to get over what I thought other people think of me.) Is she the food police? Is it the " She's skinny and I'm the fat girl, therefore she must be judging me and thinking 'Oh, THAT's why you're FAT' when she sees what I'm eating" mindset ~ SOOOOOO guilty of that one!
YOU are in charge. Only get one latte! Don't make it the second one! The little stuff adds up, both good and bad. I know how you feel! THis is coming from a woman who can down a sleeve of Thin Mints in record time. I can eat pretty much a whole pizza, on my own. Bags of goldfish don't stand a chance!
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Comment by Ashley on February 19, 2013 at 6:37pm -
You ladies are awesome! It's so good to know that I'm not the only one struggling with self-inflicted mommy guilt or she's-skinny-I'm-fat-so-she-must-be-judging-me thoughts. I'm really feeling ready to take care of myself and be me again, not just the mom or the wife. I want to be both of those things, but not JUST those things. So glad I'm back on BTL. I needed all of your words of wisdom!!
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