My Return

I have not blogged on here since May! Ack, it is the end of August.

What happened, you ask?

Well, for starters, I have become very attached to myfitnesspal.com . I love that food tracker! So I have been much more active there. 

I also have a personal blog through wordpress that I have been adding to as well.

But really...well, what really happened is I fell off the wagon. Hard.

The last week of May I had an unpleasant encounter with my supervisor over my job duties for the coming school year. She wanted to add some things that were time-consuming and a real waste of my abilities, but I agreed to them because I need to work. Then, the assistant principal began coming to me to complain about those responsibilities and convinced me that I could not do them. I thought she was trying to look out for me, you know? (of course now when I read this, I understand that was not the case but I still don't know why). When I told the principal that I could not do these added duties, she replied that she would then find someone else to take my position who would be willing to do them. Or she would cut my pay to hire someone to do them. Threatened, I insisted that was not necessary and that I would take on the additional responsibilities. She was writing the contracts for the coming school year, and clearly the extra duties were going to be included.

Despite agreeing to do the extra work, the principal stopped speaking to me. She avoided me. Then some other smaller things happened that made me very uneasy - my intuition knew something was up but I could not admit it to myself. My anxiety high, I began to eat like I had always done when upset. Ice cream, candy, cookies, always in the evening, by myself. I hid this from my husband.

On the final work day of the school year, the principal and her administrative crew were going to people individually at the school to get contracts signed. They did not come to me until 3:30. The day ends at 4. The principal then told me that they were not renewing my contract. And that I needed to get my things and leave immediately. Um, what? I had too much stuff to just grab and go - books and games, counseling materials - so she told me I'd need to come back and get them next week when the rest of the staff was gone because she really needed me to leave RIGHT NOW.

Then she, personally, escorted me to my vehicle, where she said "well, it was nice to meet you."

I had been hired as a very part-time independent contractor in the fall with this school. Within weeks of starting, they asked me to increase me hours. By December, they made me a full-time offer. I had no complaints from parents or co-workers. I had no performance issues. I had done nothing wrong.

Losing my job was devastating. All of my plans for getting in shape and really working on me went out the window. We had just cut our income in half! Feeling deeply ashamed (because this rejection triggered alot of childhood stuff) and anxious about the future, I ate. I ate to punish myself as well as to comfort myself, if you can understand that. It was not pleasant.

However, I continued running. Which, in hindsight, probably saved me from gaining all of my weight back.

I weigh 157.

It could be worse, I know this. But still...

So, I have a short-term "life" plan in place. I am collecting unemployment, looking for work, and have doubled up my course load so that I will have this credential by December. I took out student loans to help, which is another worry but really I have no other choice.

I am back, heavier but hopeful.