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In bed. Out of pocket.

I have not been this sick for so long! Seriously, I can't remember the last time I got this horrible of an upper respiratory infection. I started feeling kind of yuk last Sunday and it got a little worse each day. I took yesterday and today off of work to help recover and am getting better.

I have actually tried to stay on some sort of decent eating plan but it really hasn't worked. I haven't felt like cooking so my husband has been bringing food home at night. Surprisingly, I still have an appetite! Damn.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. No real surprise there and I'm not killing myself over it. I have had zero energy for days on end. I'm proud of my husband, though, for keeping up with his exercising and going to the gym, etc during all this. I've always thought that if I stop, he will also.

I may be a little depressed. I really don't know. The stress of work is insane and many days I feel on the verge of just quitting. I seem to not have one minute to myself for anything. Nothing. I have the added work of teaching mostly advanced college level courses to high school students. This is because other unprofessional f**ks in my dept are allowed to refuse to teach anything but low level, low stress courses. But they say 'Oh but you don't know. I have a high student count.' Um, hello. I teach 2 of those courses also so get out of here. I get bitter when I watch these so called colleagues walk out every day hands free of any work. On top of that the stipended position that I have has the added responsibility for this one single year only of running a national conference.

Every day I battle with myself about why I signed on for another year and wonder how I'm going to get through this one. I try so hard to find and focus on the positive things. That amounts to my students and a handful of colleagues. But it's hard to focus on what's good with so much shit going on all the time, every day, day in and day out. Even though I am really sick and I think like a scientist I can't help but wonder if I somehow psychologically brought on part of this myself. You know what I mean? Like you just will yourself ill if you're feeling a little bad and wala - you're full blown sick! But I don't really believe in that stuff.

I know what a lot of people may be thinking and I tend to agree - 'At least you have a job.' 'Things could always be worse.' 'Focus on the positive!'

But right now this is where I'm at in my life. Sick and tired. Literally. Oh, and burned out 1 month into the school year. Yeah, that too.

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Comment by Brandy on September 7, 2012 at 9:48pm: I feel that way too sometimes. I actually have a picture from Pinterest that I think sums it up pretty well:

I hope you feel better soon and that you are able to take a step back and get some needed distance from it all before you head back to work. Sometimes you just need some relaxing time before you can really feel mentally ready to go back. HUGS

Comment by Lynette S on September 7, 2012 at 11:56pm: Argh! I'm sorry that you re sick ad dealing with work shite! I hope you are feeling better soon and work gets better!

Comment by Almost There on September 8, 2012 at 12:07am: It sounds like you are in serious need of chicken soup! With lots of lime juice!

Comment by Angie Y on September 8, 2012 at 1:50am: I hope you feel better soon :( Big hugs!

Comment by Jill Mace on September 8, 2012 at 7:25am: I am so sorry you are sick. Wishing you a speedy recovery. I think you might want to look into taking some meds for your depression. It might be mild so a mild dose might be just what you need. After my foot surgery I became mildly depressed. I started taking the lowest dose of Zoloft. It made a HUGE difference. I still take it as I didn't think it was the right time to stop once I knew we were making this move to England. I truly believe it helps! HUGE HUGS!!!!

Comment by Keem on September 8, 2012 at 8:15am: I had always heard the saying, "You teach people how to treat you."

Maybe you're a bit frustrated with yourself because you dislike how you're being treated and you blame yourself?

If so, only you can turn it around. :)

Comment by Cindy on September 8, 2012 at 11:52am: @Brandy - I love the e-card! Its so true!

@Lynette, AT, Angie - thank you!

@Jill - I've thought about meds also. I've had a few bouts of depression and used something the same as Zoloft. Maybe I'll wait until my head clears (literally) and I'm feeling better but I have been thinking this may be the way to go to get through the year.

@Keem - I agree with you for the most part but there are parts of the equation that don't quite involve how someone is treating me. The community service coordinator position that I currently hold just happens to have this national conference attached to it this one single year. I guess I could have resigned from the stipended position last year but I actually really enjoy the rest of the work. It's very rewarding......In summary, I guess I'm old school in my thoughts and how I work as a professional. I have never been at a school (and I've taught at many) where it was common practice for perfectly qualified teachers to refuse to teach a course because it's 'too much work' or 'takes too much time'. To turn things around for myself and decrease the workload I would have to do the same thing. Plus, I enjoy the general classes as much as the advanced ones but the number of sections and students have grown (I must give myself credit for that since nobody else will teach them!) so it's a LOT more work. So, this will be my last year there unless a different position comes up somewhere else in the school. Anyway, thanks for making me stop and think about that for a moment.

Comment by Starathon on September 10, 2012 at 10:58am: I hope you feel better. Maybe you need a little vacation? :) Maybe you should have some me time. Whenever I'm tired and burnt out.. I like to get a mani pedi, it just revives me and makes me feel alive.

Comment by Dee on September 10, 2012 at 7:18pm: Love the title! Sorry you were not feeling well and that the stress is so overwhelming. I absolutely believe, and think science has consensus on the fact that stress can affect your physical health. I really wish you could drop something or get an assistant. It seems like too much, but I guess it's a commitment. Whatever you can drop, DROP. Don't be nice and take on extra stuff because others won't. Sorry to say... just let some things not get done if other teachers/staff won't volunteer. My mom was in a similar situation, where to be nice she would take on whatever projects came into her tax office, but once she took too many, she asked coworkers to take over some. They REFUSED. So she started to turn down projects- only accepting the exact amount she could handle, and then the other co-workers were ASSIGNED to the projects she turned down. Sometimes when you are nice enough to fill in the gaps, other people will push you in and let you drown. I hope you find a solution that help you regain some time for good self-care.

Comment by Cindy on September 10, 2012 at 10:50pm: @Star - We do have a long weekend coming up and a friend of mine is coming into town so I'm really excited. I need a mani/pedi so bad it's not even funny! I make it a point to keep wearing close toed shoes every day until that happens!

@Dee - I thought about this long and hard these days I was sick and still working all day from my computer. I talked to my husband a long time about it as well. Not much can be done about the issue with the inequity in teaching loads/responsibilities especially now that the year has started. But I have decided (much to my husband's insistence - and he is totally right) to tell them that I will not be responsible and handle all of the logistics for a national conference. The school we were supposed to co-host the conference with dropped out of site and communication back in March. The original structure that was set up was a TWENTY person team to get this conference to happen. UM, and now it's down to ME and sort of half of another guy who is helping-ish.....because HE is the one who volunteered our school to do this (before I even had the position or knew about his volunteering). A certain supervisor is not supportive or helping in the least and won't even respond to e-mails about any decision making, etc. So, I am composing a message right now demanding administrative help. I have decided this won't be an option. They will either get me help or I will resign from the position all together. It's not worth the small stipend I get to do it and it has SO many other responsibilities. Anyway, I am prepared and have made my decision so I'll keep you posted!

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it.

In bed. Out of pocket.

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