Days 40 and 39?

Where on earth have I been? I mean I know I've been here on the planet but totally out of touch with BTL. Listen to me. It's as if I haven't blogged since February and it's actually been less than a week since I last posted. But for me, that's a helluva long time not to blog or respond to many posts. I wish I could say that I know why this has happened but I can't. I check on BTL every day and read some posts but don't respond. I don't like that.

My weekend was filled with a hard gym workout and a day full of grading (Saturday) and then a bike ride and lunch and dinner out with friends (Sunday). Oh, and I drank too much - not drunk, drunk but just that general 'Dammit. I DESERVE a martini or four!' feeling. Then I know I'm an idiot for acting on that 'I deserve it' bullshit. Or I'll try to justify it - 'WELL, I did work out today for 2 hours!' or 'Hey, we went for a long bike ride! It all evens out' Puuullllleeeeeeezzzz..

I've also been struggling with my husband and his new work. He has started his own consulting business which is going well considering it's only been a few months. But while I'm on the typical rigid work schedule, his hours are way more flexible. A few weeks ago I realized what bullshit it was that I was coming home, running to the gym and then charging back home to cook a healthy dinner for us. Our deal is whoever cooks, the other cleans. But I think a few too many nights went by when the dishes waited until the morning when he would do them (after waking up around 9ish) knowing very well I think dirty kitchens, dishes, whatever is simply gross. So, I slowly stopped cooking dinner. Part of it was that I was getting sick of eating the same food over and over and over. Part of it was feeling like I was doing 'more' by cooking on the weeknights, prepping the coffee pot and making my own calculated-to-the-calorie food for the day. I'm pretty sure it was a combination of everything that sort of got me in this 'funk', for lack of any better way to describe it. I feel like just by writing this out I've come to a much better understanding of what has been going on, especially since I just wasn't able to pinpoint it. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I kept saying 'Just suck it up and eat the same food. What does it matter?' Now I think I've pieced a lot of it together.....Don't get me wrong. My husband does help. A LOT. He's now doing a lot more things since he has more free time so I don't want to make him out to be some couch potato, bearded sloth that pops beer cans all day long. He isn't like that. He is busting his ass to get to the gym and has lost a few kilos. He is being supportive. He does a lot for me while I'm working the regular routine job. I think it's mostly me.

Sssssooooooooo, days 40 and 39 are referring to the approximate number of days left before T-giving break where I head to FL to visit some friends and then go visit my brother and his family for T-day. All I've been obsessing with lately is how I want to lose 10 more lbs in the next 40 days. It's definitely doable but I'm obsessed with it and it seems like the more I obsess the less I do. Interesting. Then I try to remember that the last time they saw me was before I started losing so my current sustained loss will probably surprise them. But I want to be better, eat better, feel better and exercise more to get a few more lbs off. And not obsess about it like a freak.

I have to get back to work now. I have a lot of catching up to do with you all a little later.

Thanks for listening and I'm sorry to be such a downer. Ugh.

HAW (Happy Almost Wednesday!)