No matter the plan... we all Blog to Lose!
Just when you think you are doing good, you got this thing down. Here comes stress and your good old coping behaviors seem so reasonable. They always work in the short term and they are so familiar. You are under enough stress, why try to do something different? Isn't life treating you different enough, you need something comfortable right?
It gets me every time. Life gets so stressful dealing with a lot of family issues. I am so co-dependent! I take on every one else's stress and even if I am not actively trying to fix their problems I feel like they are my problems and I am just as stressed, if not more stressed than they are. Which is a real problem when you are married to a bipolar, recovering alcoholic!!!
Ok, so today is my first appointment with a counselor I found through work's employee assistance program. I hope she is good. I am nervous that I am just going to go in and verbally vomit my problems all over her and she is going to not know what to do with me and be of no help at all. Many counselors I have spoken to before have been of no help so I don't know what to think when I try to find a new one. My husband doesn't understand why I need counseling and that makes me mad. He truly doesn't see how his problems effect me. He doesn't see that his depression is hard on me and that just telling me he is not going to commit suicide does not make me believe that he is really not going to do it. I get mad when he doesn't see how he effects me but I know he can't because of his depression. I know I cannot make him better but that damn co-dependent side keeps telling me "Yeah, but you CAN help him. Just HELP him!" Every time I try we wind up in a fight and maybe he does do what I really wanted and maybe he doesn't. But, either way I am not the one that is responsible for whether or not he gets better. But, if you love someone you help them right?
See! I am crazy!
Ok, deep breath. I need to slow down. I will go to my counselor, and cry and get this out. I hope it helps, but this is a start. I have started with this blog and hopefully it will continue with the counselor and eventually I will be able to see things as they really are and calm myself down when this mental whirlwind starts. Right now, I haven't eaten, I have typed. That is different and that is a start.